


this is my heart, dive deep

by riddlersgordon



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Established Relationship, Gotham Season 2, Hopeful Ending, Jim Gordon and his usual moral angst, M/M, Moral Ambiguity, Moral Dilemmas, POV Jim Gordon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-23
Updated: 2019-03-23
Packaged: 2019-11-29 00:01:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18215438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riddlersgordon/pseuds/riddlersgordon
Summary: After the ordeal with Barbara in the interrogation room and in Gotham Cathedral, Lee realizes that Jim can’t stop running into his own abyss, into his darkness, and she doesn’t recognize him anymore. She leaves Gotham, and Jim finds himself bonding with Ed over the departure of their respective girlfriends, unknowing that Kristen is in fact dead. One thing leads to another, and a new relationship blossoms after their two failed ones. Ed seems to be the one to understand his darkness better than anyone else.But was Ed still going to understand after learning what he did to Galavan?Set in S2.(Repost, same author, new AO3)





	this is my heart, dive deep

**Author's Note:**

> This is a repost, because my old pseud started malfunctioning. (:
> 
> \--
> 
> You can find me on my RiddlerGordon [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/dashboard/blog/riddlersgordon) (:

Jim knew that Galavan had to die. Otherwise, Galavan would manage to get charges dropped, _again_ , and who knows who he might kill or terrorize next. After all, they had been extremely lucky to get to Bruce on time in the first place. Galavan’s madness had killed countless people already, and Jim was sure there were people he had killed that he didn’t even know about. The man had been calculated, smart, organized, and had taken so many innocent lives with him.  

Nothing made Jim sicker than to know that he had supported a man like that. Mind you, Jim had not known any of this when he supported his campaign, but, the fact that it all happened underneath his nose made him seethe. 

The fact that Ed had known thanks to Oswald, and didn’t tell him, was another problem. Now that Galavan was dealt with, he could ponder on the why’s and the how’s of why his own _lover_ had failed to tell him that _Oswald Cobblepot_ was living in his apartment and he had nursed him back to health.

He figured that Ed’s reluctance to have Jim over at his apartment and instead deciding to stay at Jim’s had finally started making sense.

(Because it couldn’t have been due to the fact that Jim’s place was homey. It wasn’t. It was downright scary.) 

Now, even if this was definitely something they were going to have to discuss one day or another, it was probably a discussion for later.

After having made the shot that took away Galavan’s life, Jim was completely spent. He hadn’t even felt any sort of relief when the man had been finally dead, only dread. Dread knowing that he had forever tainted his soul in the way Lee warned him he was running towards. His abyss. He hadn’t listened. She had been right, and he hadn’t listened. He knew that Galavan had to die, yes, but _he_ didn’t have to shoot him. Surely, Oswald would have gladly taken Galavan’s final breath, and the result would have been the same. But, no, Jim had to do it himself. Letting a murder happen for the greater good and doing the deed were two very different things. 

The fact that Jim _had_ to be the one to kill Galavan clouded his mind. He wasn’t sure he was ready to open that door, to figure exactly why he had let himself fall in the darkness that had been plaguing his mind ever since he had come back to Gotham. He almost wondered if this was what he wanted. To cross that line, because he hadn’t done that with Flamingo, when he later learned that he should have. No matter how he looked at it, he was responsible for Parks’ demise. He knew that because of the law, he couldn’t kill him. Yes, he knew that technically, the psychopath had deserved an attorney, deserved a fair trial, and then he’d be thrown in jail for eternity. 

But this was Gotham.

Captain Barnes may have good intentions, intentions Jim had when he first joined, but Jim was slowly coming to realize that there were too many areas of _grey_ in Gotham, and he had just stepped in a very dark one. At this point, Jim didn’t know what made him feel the more dreadful: the fact that he had killed Galavan, or the fact that he hadn’t done it _sooner._  

How many lives would he have saved had he killed him before? 

Jim ran a hand through his hair. What was he becoming? A cop who murdered criminals in cold blood? How many times was he going to do this? 

Was Galavan an exception, or was he going to become the rule?

Jim felt sick. Completely and irrevocably sick. His moral compass had been tainted with black ink, and the detective didn’t know how to set it back. Was he serving the law, or himself? Was he protecting Gotham, or was he letting his anger get the best of him?

His head was a mess when he headed back to Ed’s apartment, knowing that heading to his own place to be alone was a very, very dangerous option. He had gotten his story together with Oswald so they were in the same page (even if Jim had been the one to kill Galavan, Penguin was more than happy to take credit for it), but after that, being left to himself and his own devices when he was in such a morbid state of mind was a bad idea.

Plus, he figured that Ed deserved the truth. If Ed was the type to provide medicine, a shelter, and care for a man like Oswald Cobblepot instead of turning him in, Jim figured Ed was capable seeing through the shades of grey too, and he wouldn’t turn him in for having killed Galavan (and even if, maybe, probably, he should). What’s more, Jim knew that Ed had to know. He had lost his last relationship to lying to himself: he _needed_ Ed to know. 

Because if he said it aloud, if he said it to him, then it was real.

And whatever consequence that would follow, Jim would take it.

Even if it meant never seeing that adorable grin Ed seemed to have only for him.

“Jim.”

Ed sounded surprised when he opened the door to find him.  It couldn’t be because of how much of a mess he looked: Ed had caught him being in a far worse bloody mess than this. 

“Expected someone else?” Jim asked, his jealousy for the man he had committed murder with tonight showing despite himself.

“No,” Ed replied instantly, moving away from the door, “Please, come in. How did it go?" 

“He’s dead,” Jim stated after getting in. “Galavan,” Jim specified. “Bruce is alive.”

Ed studied him. “You look rather defeated for a man who won,” he took a step forward, extending his hand to his cheek to stroke it softly. He then dropped his hand and carried on. “You’re hurt. Let me get my First Aid kit.”

Jim grabbed Ed’s wrist after he turned around, stopping him from going anywhere. Yes, Jim wasn’t in the greatest shape right now, but that didn’t matter. His mind needed more tending than his body did. 

“Detective?”

“I killed him,” Jim admitted, letting go of Ed’s wrist. He didn’t know if it was an unconscious action, or if it was because Jim assumed him to be afraid, or to want him to leave. Or run.

Jim wondered if Ed would now see him as the monster Jim knew his own Captain would see in him, if he knew.

But Ed smiled. Oh, no, he _grinned_ , even, and Jim wasn’t sure how he was supposed to react to this. He would have expected fear, confusion, shock, maybe even a little disgust, but not this. Understanding, if he was lucky, but Ed looked _happy._ In fact, he looked happier about the fact Jim had been the one to kill Galavan than the fact that Galavan was dead.

Jim frowned, leaning back ever so slightly. “You’re smiling.”

“How did it feel?” Ed asked, taking a step forward.

Jim eyed him curiously, this conversation increasingly making less and less sense to him. “How did it feel?” He repeated, grimacing.

Ed took another step forward, eyes shining with what Jim could only assume was _excitement._ It did not make Jim feel any better about this. There was _danger_ in Ed’s eyes, danger Jim had not been able to notice until now. What the hell was going on? “Did you feel relief? Excitement? A need for more?”

Jim took a step back, bewildered. “Need for more?” He echoed, “ _What?_ ”

“You could have let Mr. Cobblepot kill Galavan. He was there, I assume. Killing Galavan was his idea,” Ed paused, “But you—” Ed grinned all the more, pressing his index against Jim’s chest, “Did it yourself." 

“Ed—”

“Would you do it again? If you could go back. Or would you let him do it?”

Ed’s words made Jim freeze. Yes, he had been focused on the dread of having gone against the law (even if it was for the right reasons), about how he could have had Oswald do it and save himself from the burden, but to be asked if he would do it again—

Jim didn’t even have to think about it.

The answer was yes.

Jim didn’t know what confused him the most about the conversation: that Ed could see right through him, or that Ed seemed pleased about the whole ordeal. Why was he pleased that Jim had killed a man in cold blood? _What was he hiding?_

“Yes, I would do it again,” Jim spoke between gritted teeth.

“And why is that?” Ed taunted him.

Jim knew he could come up with a thousand reasons. Oswald couldn’t be trusted. Oswald was torturing Galavan, and Jim had to put him out of his misery (not that Galavan deserved to be put out of his misery). Or, alternatively, he could say that he had wanted to get it over with and Oswald was too wrapped up in his own emotions. But Jim knew that while all of that contributed, perhaps slightly, none of that was the _real_ reason why he had killed Galavan, and not let Oswald do it.

“Because I wanted to kill him,” Jim growled, “I wanted to be the one to pull the trigger so I’d never have to think about him coming back,” Jim added, locking his gaze with Ed’s, “I wanted to kill him for all the innocent people he killed. I wanted to kill him for everyone he took from the GCPD. For Essen.”

“Do you think she would have been proud, Jim? Or would she have wanted to put you behind bars for doing something you knew was right?”

Jim didn’t know what kind of game Ed was playing, but he didn’t even have it in him to ask him to stop. Jim didn’t know if it was because he was completely sick and he needed to be told that he was a monster, that he let down both his Captains who esteemed him to be such a good cop. Perhaps he was a masochist, or perhaps he needed to be reminded that he had crossed a line he never should have crossed. And shouldn’t cross again.

Jim looked away. He was so lost in his own angst that he didn’t question enough why the sudden change in Ed’s demeanor, and what exactly he was after. He already knew Ed had started to change since the first time he had met him at the GCPD. Ever since he had dated Kristen Kringle, in fact. He had more confidence. He stood up to Bullock’s insults, even. He wasn’t afraid to order Jim around when Jim was injured and too stubborn to ask for help. He had enough confidence to tell Jim exactly what he wanted, and how he wanted it. But this? This was different. Far, far too different. The look in his eyes, the way he smiled, the overconfidence, the way he _moved_ around him even.

“It doesn’t matter anymore.”

Ed laughed, taking a hold of Jim’s jaw to make him stop averting his gaze, forcing those baby blue eyes to look right back into his. “Of course it matters.”

Now, perhaps _that_ had been enough for Jim to fully question it. “What’s going on, Ed?” The was a hint of worry was obvious in his tone, discernible despite his confusion.

Ed grinned. “I’m just happy you embraced who you are.”

“You shouldn’t be happy that I killed a man.”

“A man who would have killed and harmed countless people had you not killed him, Jim. You saved and protected more people by killing Galavan than bringing him in only for him to weasel his way out,” Ed responded. “You protected the innocent. Is that not what policemen ought to do?”

“No,” Jim stated, “I acted like a vigilante tonight. I broke the law.”

“Are you going to turn yourself in?”

Jim remained silent for a moment. He knew he wasn’t, but that didn’t mean he was going to forego his conscience, his moral code entirely. “…No.”

“That’s what I thought,” Ed whispered before he leaned in, lips ghosting over Jim’s.

Jim was oh so tempted to just kiss him back, and to hell with Galavan. To hell with all of it. But this wasn’t like him. He might have given in to a darker part of himself tonight, but he was still _him._ He knew he had to listen to his gut. Something was up with Ed. He couldn’t ignore it. Wouldn’t ignore it. He thus pulled away from him, getting out of his grip at last.

“What’s going on, Ed?” Jim asked. “What game are you playing?”

“Game?” Ed echoed, his grin disappearing just as fast as the excitement in his eyes did. “This is not a game, Jim.”

“Then what is it?” Jim asked quietly, not that it seemed to have helped. Ed turned his back on him, walking to the counter in the kitchen before gripping on the edges. _What was going on?_

“I know what you think of me,” Ed finally said, “That I’m quirky, smart, cute. That I’m a good man,” Ed enumerated, before he turned around, staring at Jim with knowing how the excitement he had earlier. Ed was stern, worried, vulnerable. “What if I wasn’t?”

That didn’t sound good, but Jim knew better than to jump to conclusions. This was Ed. What could he possibly have done?  

Ed carried on. “I thought that if you embraced the darkness you have inside of you, then you’d accept mine,” Ed confessed. “But you’re not ready. Yet.”

Jim wondered if any of this was supposed to make sense to him. Or if this was based on the relationship Ed had with Kristen before he left town to be with Dougherty (or so Jim had been led to believe). Had she not accepted him? Had this been what happened? It was not uncommon in new relationships that at the first sign of flaw, one of both partners called it quits. Jim was aware of Ed’s lack of experience in relationships, and so it made sense that if Kristen had left at the first of flaws, he’d be afraid Jim would do the same.

He wouldn’t. 

“Is that what happened with Kristen, Ed?” 

“Yes. She ran. I don’t want _you_ to see all of me, all of my darkest parts, and then run! I won’t lose you like this. I will show you, one day. When the time is right. But that time is not tonight,” Ed finished. He then let out a shaky breath, averting his gaze to just about anywhere but Jim. “I suggest you take a shower and then let me assess the damage. You’ve sustained substantial injuries tonight.” 

_I don’t want you to see all of me, all of my darkest parts, and then run._

Oh, Jim felt that. He didn’t blame the people who ran from him: Lee had been right to leave him, and Gotham. But, that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. It did. He and Barbara had been doomed from the start because of how many secrets they held from each other. He had tried to be more honest with Lee, but he hadn’t been honest enough with himself, and she had seen right through him. Much like Ed had seen right through him, if anything. And it appeared Barbara had been onto something by insisting Jim was much darker than he led everyone to believe.

Was Jim attracted to people who understood him better than himself?

In any case, he knew better than to push. He wanted to know what Ed meant, what he had done, but in his personal experience, pushing for that kind of information to come out only meant hiding it deeper.

It was the last thing Jim wanted. He wanted to dive deep, no matter what he might actually find. This was Ed. _His_ Ed. The guy who kept offering him riddles as answers to his questions. The guy who kept wanting to take care of him, and who always had the most loving grin when Jim came in a room.

What could he possibly have done that was so dark?

It couldn’t be worse than what Jim had done tonight, right? 

(Wrong.)

Jim took a step closer, placing both hands on Ed’s cheeks to very gently stroke his cheekbones, baby blue eyes looking up into his current stern, yet vulnerable gaze. “I won’t run.”

Ed smiled, but something in his gaze told Jim that he didn’t believe him.

Jim sealed his promise with a kiss. He felt relieved instantly the moment Ed wrapped his arms around him and pulled him closer, kissing him back in the way Jim desperately needed it.

As it turned out, Jim had been right. He had come to the right place after all of this.

(Because Ed felt like home.)

> **Bonus**

“I think I deserve an explanation about Oswald living here.”

Ed laughed. “Are you jealous, Detective?” 

“He slept in your bed before I did.”

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

“…Shut up.”


End file.
